My interview with Pluto.

pluto2.jpg

In my continuing efforts to save Pluto from being taken off the “planets” list her on earth I was granted an exclusive interview with the rogue ice chunk.John: First off, thanks so much for taking the time to talk with me Pluto, appreciate the effort. I know it’s a been a really hard week.

Pluto: You don’t know the half of it John. One day I’m spinning around the sun minding my own business and the next I’m not even considered a planet anymore? What’s up with that? You know how much work goes into getting around the sun for me? You take it for granted on earth, you’re pretty close…and Mercury…don’t even get me started. We all know the sun is in charge and who do you think gets the boot? Didn’t he think I’d notice?! I might be a trillion miles away but I have eyes alright?

John: I hear you Pluto, you know I’m in agreement. I’ve had issues with Mercury for some time now. Let’s talk about the past first…put it in some context for everyone. You were discovered in 1930…

Pluto: Dude. I’m like 20 billion years old. Discovered? Next question.

John: Sorry, I was just saying that Clyde Tombaugh in Arizona spotted you and from then on you were a planet.

Pluto: Yeah and I never got to thank that guy. Was he some sort of great earth scientist?

John: No, just some dude from Arizona who decided you were a planet.

Pluto: What is wrong with you people? You let some guy named Clyde Tombaugh make that kind of decision?

John: Hey it was 1930, we were in the midst of a depression. Planets weren’t at the top of the list of priorities.

Pluto: Okay but if you tell me Mercury was discovered by someone who knew what they were talking about and THAT’S why they are still a planet I’m going to be pissed.

John: Did you know you were actually closer to the Sun than Neptune?

Pluto: Well look, I do sweep in closer then Neptune once in awhile but clearly in all of your books and models on earth, I’m the furthest away. You wouldn’t teach it in your books if it weren’t true right?

John: Well we can’t even agree to teach evolution in our books

Pluto: That’s because God created you in what? 7 days? 7 nights?

John: What about you?

Pluto: I had a pretty good view, it was some impressive shit.

John: So you have three moons right? They were going to call one of them a planet at one point?

Pluto: Yes! Here I am having to deal with the fact that Charon was about to become of equal standing to me and the next they get denied and then I get stripped of my status! Granted, having to deal with Charon on an equal playing field would have been devastating as Charon can be a REAL bitch but I would have taken that over the public lashing I just took. How am I going to explain this to Hydra? Hmmm? How? What about Nix? Nix is going to take this the hardest. That little cold stump of rock has feelings you know. Granted, its made of nothing but molten rock and is about 700 degrees below freezing but under that is a heart of gold.

John: Do you think size had anything to do with this? You were the smallest planet of the nine.

Pluto: Do I think they were discriminating based on size? Yes, of course. Look, you aren’t going to bully Saturn or Uranus, they’re huge and of course if you provide the kind of comedy Uranus does?

John: Oh that reminds me, did you hear the one I said about a rocket in Uran…

Pluto: Yeah yeah yeah, I know. The only thing I’ve provided is the name for that f’d up dog on Mickey Mouse. Its almost not a dog. I mean, have you ever SEEN a dog that looks like that? He looks like an idiot. He looks nothing like me in person. I’d rather be named Lassie or Benji. I was really named after the Greek lord of the underworld, Hades, who in Roman mythology is referred to as Pluto. Did you know that?! Huh? That is BAD ASS. But then Walt Disney comes along and associates me with that douchebag of a dog. LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD?! You can’t BUY juice like that. Stupid ass dog.

John: Back to the size thing. You’re much smaller than seven of the solar system’s moons including the Earth’s moon. Don’t you think if you are names a planet THEY should?

Pluto: Your moon is ass. Seriously, have you looked at your moon? I mean really took a good look at it? Total ass. I pity your moon. I’d take Nix or Hyrda any day over your shitty moon.

John: As of Aug. 24th, Pluto has been demoted from planetary status to the classification of dwarf planet. So the solar system is now down to 8 planets.

So you’re a dwarf.

Pluto: Look, being a planted was all you needed to get in to anything? You have no idea how impressive that status is. Now I go to a party and I’m on a dwarf planet list? There are meteorites that will be further up the list the I am. Its embarrassing.

John: You’ve been demoted in status because you does not meet one of the three main conditions by which an object can be called a planet. That condition is that it must “clear the neighborhood” around it’s orbit. This term is an informal explanation of the part of the process of planet formation which means that an orbiting body ( such as a planet or protoplanet) must “sweep out” it’s orbital region over time by gravitationally interacting with smaller bodies nearby. Pluto you do not do this.

Pluto: I have no idea WHAT the fuck that means.

John: You need to sweep out AND interact with smaller bodies nearby. Why aren’t you interacting more?

Pluto: It’s a bunch of dudes man. Look, I have nothing against being gay, I think you’re born that way. I was born to interact with female planets. If I wanted it the other way, I’d be all over Uranus.

John: Some researchers argue that Earth, Mars, Jupiter, and Neptune also have not fully cleared their orbital zones either and should be tossed out.

Pluto: Right, Earth not a planet. Mars not a planet. That’ll never happen and if it does, you’ll be something cooler and all of us will become planets again. I’m only comforted in the fact that you’re pretty close to wiping yourself off your own “Planet”. I’m just going to be patient for the next species to take over and get my status back with them. Hopefully it won’t be the dinosaurs again, man, what a bunch of dicks.

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24 Comments

  1. Posted August 28, 2006 at 4:19 pm | Permalink

    pluto, you’re a bitter man, i mean planet, sorry, ice chunk.

  2. Lisa S
    Posted August 28, 2006 at 10:21 pm | Permalink

    I nominate John Richards as funniest man alive. Will someone second that?

  3. Billie
    Posted August 29, 2006 at 1:40 pm | Permalink

    Other than Will Ferrill? Sure. I’ll second that

  4. karleigh
    Posted August 29, 2006 at 2:46 pm | Permalink

    funniest man alive, but also perhaps man with the most time on his hands.

  5. Posted September 5, 2006 at 9:38 pm | Permalink

    Hahaha, my gosh… Can I use this for my research paper when I use your interview as source? :p

  6. your mom
    Posted September 27, 2006 at 9:36 am | Permalink

    Ice chunk is calling your hometown girl buff. Get out of the way cause pluto is here to saay.

  7. Posted October 26, 2006 at 9:02 am | Permalink

    i love you pluto!

  8. Taylor
    Posted May 1, 2007 at 1:54 pm | Permalink

    omg thanks because i can use this for my homework that i have to do.

  9. Sergio
    Posted May 13, 2007 at 1:04 pm | Permalink

    WOW THIS IS GREAT PLUTO I WISH YOU WOULD STILL BE A PLANET BUT THE SIENTIST HAVE TO BE ASSESS SOMETIMES SO I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL

  10. Jena
    Posted June 8, 2007 at 1:22 pm | Permalink

    THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU PLUTO!!!!!!!!!! ♥

  11. John the Bunny
    Posted June 24, 2007 at 9:33 pm | Permalink

    I don’t care what scientists say. Pluto is a planet, and if I had my choice, I’d live there over Earth. How’s Neptune by the way? That Mofo owes me ten bucks…..

  12. Posted July 16, 2007 at 3:52 am | Permalink

    this is weird how can pluto speek

  13. Art
    Posted August 21, 2007 at 1:09 pm | Permalink

    PLUTO ROOOOOOOOOCKS!!!!!!

  14. Posted September 26, 2007 at 11:38 am | Permalink

    pluto pluto you are a planet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. snowboarder kid
    Posted September 26, 2007 at 11:39 am | Permalink

    this is an awsomee but funny kid but if you swore more it would be better

  16. Posted September 26, 2007 at 2:02 pm | Permalink

    pluto is near youranus

  17. Posted September 26, 2007 at 2:03 pm | Permalink

    PLUTO IS NEAR YOURANUS.

  18. Posted September 26, 2007 at 2:04 pm | Permalink

    PLUTO IS IN YOUR ANIS

  19. Tammy Sirmans
    Posted October 25, 2007 at 10:07 am | Permalink

    Thank you so much.

  20. donpin
    Posted October 31, 2007 at 4:29 pm | Permalink

    I will have run around the equivalent of your circumference next week and intead of bagging my first planet, they downgrade you! Sigh….

  21. Posted November 5, 2007 at 8:31 am | Permalink

    pluto needs to take a pill or something!!

  22. Fernando
    Posted April 16, 2008 at 4:53 pm | Permalink

    lol this is hilarious

  23. sexxayyyyyvince
    Posted May 5, 2008 at 7:27 am | Permalink

    hahahahaha i just got n trouble with my teacher 4 playin round on this site… im n skool rite now but this is funny as hell

  24. Rikke
    Posted June 8, 2008 at 2:14 am | Permalink

    Sooo funny :-D

    Good work, there.

    Pluto: Hang in there and do something about it instead of just being bitter and grumbling.

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