In my continuing efforts to save Pluto from being taken off the â€œplanetsâ€ list her on earth I was granted an exclusive interview with the rogue ice chunk.John: First off, thanks so much for taking the time to talk with me Pluto, appreciate the effort. I know itâ€™s a been a really hard week.
Pluto: You donâ€™t know the half of it John. One day Iâ€™m spinning around the sun minding my own business and the next Iâ€™m not even considered a planet anymore? Whatâ€™s up with that? You know how much work goes into getting around the sun for me? You take it for granted on earth, youâ€™re pretty closeâ€¦and Mercuryâ€¦donâ€™t even get me started. We all know the sun is in charge and who do you think gets the boot? Didnâ€™t he think Iâ€™d notice?! I might be a trillion miles away but I have eyes alright?
John: I hear you Pluto, you know Iâ€™m in agreement. Iâ€™ve had issues with Mercury for some time now. Letâ€™s talk about the past firstâ€¦put it in some context for everyone. You were discovered in 1930...
Pluto: Dude. Iâ€™m like 20 billion years old. Discovered? Next question.
John: Sorry, I was just saying that Clyde Tombaugh in Arizona spotted you and from then on you were a planet.
Pluto: Yeah and I never got to thank that guy. Was he some sort of great earth scientist?
John: No, just some dude from Arizona who decided you were a planet.
Pluto: What is wrong with you people? You let some guy named Clyde Tombaugh make that kind of decision?
John: Hey it was 1930, we were in the midst of a depression. Planets werenâ€™t at the top of the list of priorities.
Pluto: Okay but if you tell me Mercury was discovered by someone who knew what they were talking about and THATâ€™S why they are still a planet Iâ€™m going to be pissed.
John: Did you know you were actually closer to the Sun than Neptune?
Pluto: Well look, I do sweep in closer then Neptune once in awhile but clearly in all of your books and models on earth, Iâ€™m the furthest away. You wouldnâ€™t teach it in your books if it werenâ€™t true right?
John: Well we canâ€™t even agree to teach evolution in our books
Pluto: Thatâ€™s because God created you in what? 7 days? 7 nights?
John: What about you?
Pluto: I had a pretty good view, it was some impressive shit.
John: So you have three moons right? They were going to call one of them a planet at one point?
Pluto: Yes! Here I am having to deal with the fact that Charon was about to become of equal standing to me and the next they get denied and then I get stripped of my status! Granted, having to deal with Charon on an equal playing field would have been devastating as Charon can be a REAL bitch but I would have taken that over the public lashing I just took. How am I going to explain this to Hydra? Hmmm? How? What about Nix? Nix is going to take this the hardest. That little cold stump of rock has feelings you know. Granted, its made of nothing but molten rock and is about 700 degrees below freezing but under that is a heart of gold.
John: Do you think size had anything to do with this? You were the smallest planet of the nine.
Pluto: Do I think they were discriminating based on size? Yes, of course. Look, you arenâ€™t going to bully Saturn or Uranus, theyâ€™re huge and of course if you provide the kind of comedy Uranus does?
John: Oh that reminds me, did you hear the one I said about a rocket in Uran...
Pluto: Yeah yeah yeah, I know. The only thing Iâ€™ve provided is the name for that fâ€™d up dog on Mickey Mouse. Its almost not a dog. I mean, have you ever SEEN a dog that looks like that? He looks like an idiot. He looks nothing like me in person. Iâ€™d rather be named Lassie or Benji. I was really named after the Greek lord of the underworld, Hades, who in Roman mythology is referred to as Pluto. Did you know that?! Huh? That is BAD ASS. But then Walt Disney comes along and associates me with that douchebag of a dog. LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD?! You canâ€™t BUY juice like that. Stupid ass dog.
John: Back to the size thing. Youâ€™re much smaller than seven of the solar systemâ€™s moons including the Earthâ€™s moon. Donâ€™t you think if you are names a planet THEY should?
Pluto: Your moon is ass. Seriously, have you looked at your moon? I mean really took a good look at it? Total ass. I pity your moon. Iâ€™d take Nix or Hyrda any day over your shitty moon.
John: As of Aug. 24th, Pluto has been demoted from planetary status to the classification of dwarf planet. So the solar system is now down to 8 planets.
So youâ€™re a dwarf.
Pluto: Look, being a planted was all you needed to get in to anything? You have no idea how impressive that status is. Now I go to a party and Iâ€™m on a dwarf planet list? There are meteorites that will be further up the list the I am. Its embarrassing.
John: Youâ€™ve been demoted in status because you does not meet one of the three main conditions by which an object can be called a planet. That condition is that it must â€œclear the neighborhoodâ€ around itâ€™s orbit. This term is an informal explanation of the part of the process of planet formation which means that an orbiting body ( such as a planet or protoplanet) must â€œsweep outâ€ itâ€™s orbital region over time by gravitationally interacting with smaller bodies nearby. Pluto you do not do this.
Pluto: I have no idea WHAT the fuck that means.
John: You need to sweep out AND interact with smaller bodies nearby. Why arenâ€™t you interacting more?
Pluto: Itâ€™s a bunch of dudes man. Look, I have nothing against being gay, I think youâ€™re born that way. I was born to interact with female planets. If I wanted it the other way, Iâ€™d be all over Uranus.
John: Some researchers argue that Earth, Mars, Jupiter, and Neptune also have not fully cleared their orbital zones either and should be tossed out.
Pluto: Right, Earth not a planet. Mars not a planet. Thatâ€™ll never happen and if it does, youâ€™ll be something cooler and all of us will become planets again. Iâ€™m only comforted in the fact that youâ€™re pretty close to wiping yourself off your own â€œPlanetâ€. Iâ€™m just going to be patient for the next species to take over and get my status back with them. Hopefully it wonâ€™t be the dinosaurs again, man, what a bunch of dicks.